On the brighter side?

 Aside from this past week's downers, there is one bright side I suppose. So after the confirmed miscarriage and the ongoing random bursts of tears every few hours and the food aversions (in general)... I managed to attend a BBQ at the in-laws last night, and today It's an up and down kind of day. I still want to crawl into bed and hide. The smell of the meat cooking downstairs makes me want to vomit. I just finally put the last of 7 loads of laundry into the dryer (I have no idea where all of the hubster's clothes came from). My dog won't stop barking at the two kites flying way way overhead. And I have two new pimples on the bottom edge of my lip. On my lip. Maybe if I was still pregnant I would be on cloud nine.

Biochemical what?

 So I received a message from the dr's office. Basically she said that they are concluding that I had a "Biochemical Pregnancy", and that we'll begin infertility treatments again after getting a negative pregnancy test after my current cycle. So wait another month.

But let's back up... a Biochemical Pregnancy? Say what? I needed to go online to look this up... I found this quick and easy answer:

(from http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/dreaded-biochemical-pregnancy.html)

"The definition of a biochemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that stops growing before it is large enough to be seen on ultrasound. It’s a very early miscarriage. The causes are the same as for any miscarriage. By far, the most common reason is that the embryo is genetically abnormal, that is it doesn’t have the right number of chromosomes. And although it has the tools to grow for a while, as the embryo grows and needs to become more complex, the tools run out and the embryo can grow no more. "

I guess it is common in about 50% or so woman. Onwards, then.

Well. Onwards, then.

 Here's a little story. So you know I had AI done on Saturday, July 30th. A week after I got a progesterone blood test done to check my levels (supposedly it's a hormone to help pregnancy and at this point post-ovulation they like levels of at least 15) - I had 42! I was completely giddy... so far so good.

The following week, I took a home pregnancy test. Negative. I cried. Then thought, next cycle.

I started getting what felt like pre-menstrual cramps but nothing came of it. When I was younger,  I would pretty much start cramping at exactly 1 week before the first day of my cycle. But at the end of that week... nothing.

So on Thursday I took another home pregnancy test... I'm not sure why, just for the hell of it. Since I don't have regular periods, I don't follow the whole +/- 28 day cycles. So I guess it couldn't hurt to try, after all I've had tons and tons of experience with getting no reading on a pregnancy test (or an ovulation test at that).

See that circle there? That faint line inside? It's faint, yes, but definitely there. Definitely. That, my friends, has to be an actual line, right?

So on Friday morning, I took another one. And on Saturday morning, one more for good measure. Same results. So I emailed the doctor and on Monday she ordered three Beta tests for me for Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday of this week.

On Monday I noticed some spotting, but hoped it was just something "normal" that happens during pregnancy. I've read a lot about that.

Tuesday I went in for the first Beta blood draw on both hcg (the hormone produced during pregnancy) and progesterone. By noon the hcg results came back: typically, anything above a 5 would be considered pregnant. I had 14. *jump for joy!*  But then later my progesterone results came in and it was 1.8 - what the heck? That's no bueno and what happened to my 42??? I was getting worried.

Wednesday morning, I cramped like I haven't cramped in years. And then it came gushing (sorry to get graphic, but it was one heck of a strong flow... way stronger than my usual first day of the cycle). Something was up. I emailed the dr and she said let's continue with the beta tests to better analyze.

This morning (Thursday) I got up and headed out to the dr's office for the 2nd beta blood draw (of only hcg this time). Typically during pregnancy, the hcg levels should double every couple of days. I needed to see something at least 25 (not quite double, but I'd take it)... please, please, be at least 25... if not 28 or more would be great! 

After a noon-time nap, I woke up and saw the email from the dr's office. Current HCG levels: 6. It dropped by more than half.

I'll still continue with the third beta test on Saturday morning, but I don't see the point. I'm waiting to hear confirmation from the dr whether she believes I had a miscarriage or not... or if something else was going on to mess with my hcg levels.

I was really looking forward to an April baby. It would have been perfect. It would have coincided with our 4th wedding anniversary. I would have avoided being pregnant during the summer months. And I could have claimed that I got pregnant with Adam Lambert's help (jk).

So now I need to wait again. Wait to hear the analysis from the dr, wait to see when we can try again, wait to see if I can possibly carry a baby safely to full term. And pray that there won't be any defects.

I feel the waterworks coming.

Another cycle bites the dust

 Woke up in the morning feeling... like P. Diddy... no? Optimistic then. I planned on heading out for a nice long walk this morning, finally, when I just had to do it. 

I had to pee on a stick.

I closed my eyes, placed the stick on the floor and finished doing my thing. After a couple of minutes, I returned, holding my breath with anticipation.

It was negative.

Of all the unwanted pregnancies in the world, why oh why is this so HARD???

No prego buddy

 After taking my mom to the doctor this morning, I went to Borders and ended up getting a cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted, no cream cheese or butter (butter?). I ended up eating half of the bagel while replying to emails and then got a great text message: one of our friends was expecting her second baby!

She messaged, "Guess who is 10 weeks pregnant? Due March 10...". It's super great news, and she's been talking about having a second child for awhile now (her first will be three years old this December - how time flies!) and I think she originally wanted to have her second child born this year (Year of the Tiger, because her first was born Year of the Pig. Then she'd have a little Piglet and a little Tigger -- cute!).

I wish that I was pregnant too. Do I feel pregnant? No. Nothing at all like that time in April/May when I really truly thought I was pregnant and at one point I even had to get up in the middle of the night to throw up from the nausea. And I was so not pregnant then. How not pregnant was I? Well the blood test says if my level (whatever substance it was testing for) is below 5.0 then I wasn't pregnant. My level was 0.5. I guess they were trying to tell me that I was really really NOT pregnant.

Here we go...

 IUI #1

What a morning it was. I'm nervous but excited. It's so surreal, but so ordinary at the same time. It's really weird, especially after watching The Back-Up Plan (with Jennifer Lopez), and seeing previews of that new movie with Jennifer Aniston who wants to have a baby. Feeling sleepy. So I slept. For the rest of the weekend.

Bring on the needles...

Have I mentioned how much Metformin makes me nauseous? I've also developed a dislike of chicken/turkey and a low tolerance for other meats such as pork and beef. Don't even mention other stuff like duck or lamb! Eggs are even making an appearance on my "don't come any closer" list.

Had the Ultrasound Transvaginal Echography today. I got some syringes this time. Along with Chorionic Gonadotropin Human (NOVAREL) 10,000 unit IM (whatever that means!) that my needle-fearing husband will have to inject into my hip. Hehe, good luck buddy!

Just watching the grass grow.

January 14, 2010:

Daily Meds: 500mg Metformin, 3x a day, 1 prenatal multi-vitamin, 1 81mg Aspirin

March 29, 2010:

New cycle: added 100mg Clomid for 5 days

May 4, 2010:

Cysts in the ovaries (probably because of the clomid) - I'll need to avoid the Clomid for this cycle, and start up on it again the next. Still got my daily metformin. Feeling super nauseous thanks to not only the Metformin, but the Clomid.

May 24, 2010:

Cried uncontrollably at work when bloodwork came back stating I wasn't even close to being pregnant, when I really felt like I was.

June 10, 2010:

You know what's a definitely plus about all of this infertility treatment process? Since I'm under the husband's insurance with Kaiser, it's all covered. The only thing I have to pay is $20 co-pay each time I visit, and pay for my pills. Other than that, no fee for all of the ultrasounds, no fee for all of the bloodwork, not even a fee for the x-rays. I'd say that's pretty sweet. Today I am back on the Clomid, 100mg for five days. Extra nausea!

June 25, 2010:

Is it weird that I've gotten so used to this ultrasound transvaginal echography? It's so invasive too. Also, I just got laid off from work.

July 17, 2010:

Welp. Back on the Clomid, 100mg/day for five days

It feels like it's been forever.

My story

 The husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby about 2 years ago. Well, to be honest, we weren't exactly trying, but we weren't taking any precautions against it either. After a little over a year of having no responses whatsoever (not even getting a period except for when I remembered to go to the doctor and get progesterone pills to coax my period into coming), my doctor referred us to the infertility department.

We had our first meeting with the infertility department last December, 2009. It was then that the doctor suggested losing 10% of my current body weight would help greatly, as well as putting me on metformin for PCOS. 

In January, I did the HSG exam, did a whole slew of blood tests and urine tests and started the metformin pills. As usual, my period never came so I had to go back on the progesterone pills to start my cycle, at which point I was also put on chlomid for a few days to promote ovulation. Wash, rinse, repeat.

To date, I've gone through 3 cycles of chlomid treatment (skipping one month due to cysts in my ovaries and the rest of the time stretching out because my cycle takes way longer than 28 days), and the last cycle I started doing the shots to stimulate ovulation.

This is my journey...